Zephyros Training Manual

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⚙️ THE ACME ZEPHYROS SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR NEW AGENTS

“If you can read this, congratulations: you have survived long enough to receive the guide.”

🧭 INTRODUCTION

Welcome aboard the Zephyros, ACME’s premier airborne headquarters for exploration, investigation, experimentation, and occasional accidental time travel*.

Surviving aboard the Zephyros requires a combination of:

  • Alertness
  • Adaptability
  • A tolerance for loud noises
  • A calm reaction to levitation
  • The ability to say “I meant to do that” convincingly

This guide exists to help you stay alive, stay sane, and ideally avoid becoming a footnote in the annual “Lessons Learned” seminar.

🪪 SECTION I — BASIC SURVIVAL PRINCIPLES

1. Always Know Where Your Parachute Is

You may not be planning to jump, but the Zephyros likes to surprise people.

Signs you may need your parachute:

  • Someone yells “BRACE!” from an unknown direction.
  • The ship tilts 37 degrees for “routine maneuvering.”
  • A prototype backfires.
  • A meteorological anomaly develops a personality.

2. Never Assume a Door Leads Somewhere Logical

Doors aboard the Zephyros may lead to:

  • The correct room
  • A completely different deck
  • A room that shouldn’t exist
  • The same room but 20 minutes into the future
  • The llama enclosure (if you hear chewing, step back)

If a corridor feels longer than it should be, you’re probably in the Unmapped Zone.
Turn around. Walk calmly. Do not whistle.

3. If Something Is Glowing, Leave It Alone

If it’s glowing and humming, notify the lab.
If it’s glowing, humming, vibrating, and apologizing, run.

4. Treat the Espresso Machine with Respect

It has a temper.
And a name.
You will learn this the hard way.

5. Befriend at Least One Engineer

They know which parts of the ship are trustworthy.
They also control your hot water supply.

🥽 SECTION II — PERSONAL SAFETY & SURVIVAL EQUIPMENT

1. Standard Issue Survival Kit Includes:

  • Multi-compartment ACME belt pack
  • Emergency notebook
  • Flashlight (works in 80% of dimensions)
  • Snack cube (strawberry-flavored unless the dimension is unstable)
  • Compass (non-edible version)
  • Thermal cloak
  • Anti-Explosive Goggles™
  • One (1) Parachute, pre-folded (quality not guaranteed)

2. Things NOT Included (but necessary):

  • Common sense
  • Emotional resilience
  • Anger-venting form 38-B
  • Bravery, courage, or modesty
  • Rope (someone always forgets rope)

🛑 SECTION III — MICRO-REGULATIONS FOR SURVIVAL

1. Do Not Touch Any Prototype Marked “Possibly Safe”

This is ACME terminology for:

“Do not touch under any circumstances.”

2. Avoid Arguing with the Macaw

Señor Picos wins every argument.
Even the ones he starts in Spanish.
Even the ones you think you won.

3. Respect the Capybaras

Capybaras hold grudges.
Capybaras remember faces.
Capybaras travel in extremely polite herds.
You will not win.

4. Keep Your Notes on Paper

Digital files sometimes disappear during altitude fluctuations.
Paper is immune to electronic sabotage and time-loop errors.

🪂 SECTION IV — THE FIELD INSERTION AGENT CATAPULT (BETA)

Located on External Deck 3 (Do Not Approach Unexpectedly)

Motto: “Why Climb Down When You Can Be Launched?”

The Field Insertion Agent Catapult (beta) is ACME’s latest attempt to provide rapid agent deployment into the field. It has undergone extensive testing. (Four tests. Two successes. One partial success. One relocation to Bolivia.)

A) Purpose

To launch agents directly into mission zones with:

  • speed
  • efficiency
  • questionable accuracy

The device was originally developed after a Senior Agent asked,

“Can we get down there faster without using parachutes?”
The answer was “Yes,” accompanied by confetti and an explosion.

B) How It Works

The catapult uses:

  • Torsion springs
  • Pneumatic cylinders
  • A rail-guided agent cradle
  • A countdown system voiced by the macaw

When armed, the cradle locks in at a 37–89 degree angle (randomly chosen by the ship).

The device then propels the agent up to 120 meters horizontally, or 600 meters vertically during “enthusiastic” launches.

C) Pre-Launch Checklist

All agents must:

  1. Sign the Catapult Usage Waiver
    (“I accept responsibility for my trajectory, impact, and emotional reaction upon landing.”)
  2. Wear the Full-Padding Suit
    Includes chin strap, kneepads, elbow guards, and dignity absorber.
  3. Secure Mission Gear
    Loose items such as notebooks, hats, or fellow agents must be secured.
  4. Declare Known Fears
    So the operator can avoid triggering them.
    (The device dislikes fear of heights.)
  5. Verify Landing Zone
    Preferably away from:
    • Rivers
    • Cliffs
    • Volcanoes
    • Tourists
    • Jaguars
    • The previous landing zone (still under investigation)

D) Launch Procedure

  1. Step into cradle.
  2. Grasp the handles labeled “Hold Here.”
  3. Ignore the handles labeled “DO NOT HOLD.”
  4. Listen to the macaw’s five-second countdown.
  5. Scream internally.
  6. Attempt to remain aerodynamic.
  7. Upon landing, tuck and roll if able.
  8. If not able, perform the “ACME Stumble Recovery Pose” (page 56).

E) Known Issues

  • Cradle occasionally rotates mid-flight.
  • Compass spins for 12 minutes post-launch.
  • In high humidity, agents may land with extra static electricity.
  • Device sometimes launches early when bored.

F) Remember

If you hear the word “FIRE!” and it’s not part of the countdown…
…it wasn’t part of the countdown.

🗺️ SECTION V — NAVIGATION & ORIENTATION

1. North Is Not Always North

The Zephyros drifts.
Reality bends slightly.
Your compass is correct most of the time.

2. Trust the Engineers

If they say “don’t walk there,”
don’t walk there.

3. If You Get Lost

  • Check door plaques
  • Listen for macaw commentary
  • Follow the smell of coffee
  • Avoid corridors that echo ominously

🛡️ SECTION VI — INTERACTIONS WITH OTHER AGENTS

1. Respect Senior Agents

They have:

  • experience
  • authority
  • survivor’s humor

2. Don’t Borrow Gear Without Asking

Especially the gear labeled:

  • “Prototype”
  • “In Development”
  • “Return Before Noon or Else”

3. Always Debrief After Missions

Your experiences help ACME improve future missions.
(“Improve” meaning “identify new ways things can explode.”)

🧯 SECTION VII — EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS

Red Alert

Triggered by:

  • Hull breach
  • Macaw distress calls
  • Unexpected altitude drop
  • Someone pressing the red button

Yellow Alert

Triggered by:

  • Prototype malfunction
  • Strange weather inside the ship
  • Duplicate agent appearances

White Alert

Triggered by:

  • Coffee shortage
    (Immediate action required.)

📝 SECTION VIII — FINAL ADVICE FROM PROFESSOR VALVEMEISTER

“Remember, Agents: survival aboard the Zephyros requires adaptability, resourcefulness, and the ability to remain calm while airborne at improbable angles.”

“If you follow the rules, you’ll do fine.
If you break them, you’ll do fine faster.”

*Hypothetically speaking, of course, as no such thing as an ACME HQ Dirigible named the Zephyros exists.