South America
WELCOME, ACME FIELD AGENTS—NEW, RETURNING, AND POTENTIALLY-RECRUITABLE LIFE FORMS!
(If you are reading this over someone’s shoulder, congratulations: you may already be drafted.)
🛰️ Official Transmission from ACME HQ
South America Field Division — Orientation Brief 1.0
(Approved by the ACME Department of Geographic Enlightenment & Mildly Controlled Mayhem)
Agents,
On behalf of ACME HQ, we extend an enthusiastic, caffeinated, and thoroughly over-prepared welcome to all personnel joining the ACME South America Team. Your mission is noble, your courage commendable, and your travel paperwork probably incomplete—just the way we like it.
As you embark on assignments across this extraordinary continent, expect adventure, mystery, and the occasional llama-related misunderstanding. Remember: ACME’s goal is to explore, understand, and—only when necessary—deploy our patented Instant Hole™ for emergency escapes.
Before your first field insertion (NOT via the so-called “Zephyros Dirigible,” which does not exist, is not hovering over the Andes, and absolutely does not serve empanadas on Tuesdays), it is critical that you review the following cultural and geographic intel.
🌎 ACME FIELD GUIDE: SOUTH AMERICA — QUICK BRIEF
A Continent of Extremes (Geographical, Meteorological, and Culinary)
South America contains some of the world’s most astonishing landscapes—and we don’t just mean the ACME Accounting Department’s attempt at a budget spreadsheet.
Prepare to encounter:
- The Andes Mountains
The longest continental mountain range on Earth. Home to jagged peaks, ancient trails, and several of our more adventurous (read: lost) agents. - The Amazon Rainforest
A vast expanse of biodiversity, humidity, and animals that look at you like you’re the weird one. Keep your gear sealed and your snacks secure. - The Atacama Desert
One of the driest places on the planet. Great for stargazing, terrible for moisturizing. - The Pampas
Endless grasslands inhabited by world-class cattle, expert gauchos, and at least one ACME prototype robot horse still roaming free since 1998. - Patagonia
Rugged, icy, windy, magnificent—and the last known location of the missing ACME Wind-Resistant Poncho. If found, please return.
🎭 Cultural Intel for Agents Who Don’t Want to Embarrass Themselves
South America is a mosaic of languages, customs, rhythms, and ancient civilizations. To operate effectively, agents should note:
- Languages:
Mostly Spanish and Portuguese—with pockets of Quechua, Aymara, Guaraní, and dozens of Indigenous languages. Attempting to speak them earns respect—attempting bad translations earns laughs. - Civilizations of Interest:
- The Inca Empire: Masterbuilders of Machu Picchu and expert managers of mountainsides.
- The Mapuche: Fierce defenders of their land and culture in Chile and Argentina.
- The Guaraní: Known for their deep connection to their forests and rivers.
- The Muisca: Givers of the El Dorado legend. MANY ACME interns have gone missing looking for it. Don’t be like them.
- Cuisines to Expect:
Empanadas, ceviche, feijoada, asado, arepas, pão de queijo, chimichurri, dulce de leche—the list is long and delicious.
Note: Always accept coffee in Brazil. Always accept mate in Argentina and Uruguay. Always accept caution in Bolivia’s high altitudes.
🧭 Agent Behavioral Protocols (Mandatory-ish)
- Be curious.
Curiosity fuels discovery. And occasionally small fires. (Use ACME Fire-Extinguishing Confetti responsibly.) - Be respectful.
South America’s peoples and cultures are vibrant and ancient. Treat them with honor, humility, and minimal explosions. - Be adaptable.
Weather, terrain, local wildlife, and ACME mission directives can change without warning. - Be skeptical of rumors.
Particularly:- ACME does not operate a floating headquarters called the Zephyros.
- ACME pilots do not take altitude dares over the Andes.
- ACME kitchens aboard nonexistent dirigibles do not serve empanadas on Tuesdays.
Any such claims are baseless, unverified, and suspiciously accurate.
🎒 Final Word from HQ
We are thrilled to have you on the South America team. Whether you’re trekking in the Amazon, navigating city streets in Bogotá, studying glaciers in Patagonia, or investigating suspiciously comedic footprints near the Nazca Lines (stop doing that), you are part of a proud ACME tradition.
A tradition of bold exploration.
A tradition of creative problem-solving.
A tradition of losing clipboards in the rainforest.
Go forth, agents. Learn well. Observe deeply. And uphold the ACME motto:
“Adventure. Curiosity. Minimal collateral damage.”
HQ out.
This message will self-file in the ACME Archives in 3… 2… 1…