ACME Top 100

1. Portable Hole™ – Deployable patch of 2D nothingness you can slap onto any surface to create an instant tunnel. Frequently misused as a floor decoration.
2. Self-Riding Horse™ – Mechanical horse that does all the riding so you don’t have to. Banned from three medieval reenactment societies for “unfair jousting assistance.”
3. Reversible Gravity Boots – Walk on ceilings, walls, or very confused neighbors. Warning: “Reverse” and “Reset” buttons are perilously close together.
4. Instant Anvil Cloud™ – Compact weather system that only produces anvils. Technically a meteorological device. Technically.
5. Acme Rocket Roller Skates – Skates with rockets attached. No steering, no brakes, maximum comedy. Illegal in most shopping malls.
6. Time-Traveling Alarm Clock – If you sleep through the alarm, it goes back two hours and tries again. Has accidentally caused minor temporal over-booking.
7. Boomerang Boomerang – A boomerang that, when thrown away, returns with another boomerang. Population of boomerangs doubles every throw. Economists horrified.
8. Infinite Coffee Thermos – Never runs out; just gets increasingly nervous. Emits faint humming and motivational quotes after cup #17.
9. Pocket-Sized Black Hole (Travel Edition) – For discreet garbage disposal or quick costume changes. Banned in all jurisdictions with a planetary mass.
10. Do-It-Yourself Secret Lair Kit – Comes with collapsible volcano, suspicious swivel chair, and a red “Do Not Push” button of mysterious purpose.
11. Instant Disguise Spray – One spritz and you look like a completely different cartoon archetype. Side effect: occasionally turns you into a houseplant.
12. Auto-Reply Parrot 3000 – Records your last five excuses and repeats them to teachers, bosses, or villains. Comes with optional “Sincere Apology” module.
13. Teleporting Doorframe – Step through and emerge from any other door you’ve labeled beforehand. NEVER mislabel the bathroom.
14. Self-Assembling Rube Goldberg Kit – Dump box on floor; it automatically constructs a 73-step machine to do something simple, like ring a bell.
15. Portable Plot Twist Generator – Press button; something unexpected but narratively satisfying happens in your day. Not recommended during exams.
16. Zero-Delay Homework Teleporter – Sends homework to the teacher’s desk instantly… but randomly between now and 2073. Technically “on the way.”
17. Acme Inflatable Boulder – Looks like solid rock until poked with anything pointy. Ideal for chases, fake landslides, and surprise birthday décor.
18. Quantum Coin of Indecision – Flips itself infinitely until you grab it. Popular with villains, politicians, and teenagers choosing pizza toppings.
19. Self-Folding Laundry Swarm™ – Tiny drones that fold clothes perfectly… into origami animals.
20. Boomerang Anvil™ – Like a normal anvil, but it comes back after it falls. Repeatedly. Helmets recommended.
21. Invisible Paint (Mostly) – Makes objects nearly invisible, but leaves a faint neon outline for safety. “Mostly” is a broad term.
22. Instant Escape Hatch Sticker – Slap on any surface to create a cartoon-style trapdoor. Banned at standardized testing sites.
23. Copy-Paste Backpack – Copies any object that fits inside. Pasting the backpack into itself is explicitly forbidden in the manual (for good reason).
24. Ever-Sharpened Pencil of Destiny – Never dulls, rarely breaks, occasionally writes ominous foreshadowing.
25. Rocket-Powered Umbrella – Functions as shade, parachute, and emergency vertical transport device. Closed during thunderstorms… please.
26. Reverse Pickpocket Gloves – Secretly add items to people’s pockets: notes, clues, snacks, dramatic evidence. Great for ACME Agents, terrible for minimalists.
27. Magnetic Soap – Dirt flies off you and sticks to the bar. Household surfaces not guaranteed safe.
28. Suspiciously Convenient Storm Cloud – Small, personal cloud that follows your nemesis and rains only on them. Temporarily banned in at least 12 teen dramas.
29. Hyper-Elastic Ladder – Extends to any height, occasionally slingshots unsuspecting climbers into low orbit.
30. Do-Over Remote – 10-second rewind for real life. Limited to 3 uses per day after the Incident at the Science Fair.
31. Perpetual Motion Desk Toy – Violates several laws of physics and at least one zoning regulation. Very relaxing to watch.
32. Acme Instant Fortress Cube – Toss, wait three seconds, and it unfolds into a fully furnished (if slightly eccentric) hideout.
33. Acme Detachable Shadow™ – Your shadow can scout ahead, carry notes, or photobomb enemies. Occasionally forms a union.
34. Self-Organizing Bookshelf – Books continually rearrange into optimal order. The “optimal” part is based on the shelf’s opinion, not yours.
35. Universal Spare Key – Opens any non-sentient lock. Does not work on diaries, hearts, or USB-C laptop ports for some reason.
36. Rewindable Pie – After being thrown and splatting dramatically, it reassembles itself back in the tin. Excellent for repeated slapstick.
37. Instant Hole Patch Kit – For when your Portable Hole gets ideas above its station. Includes duct tape, quantum staples, and a firm talking-to.
38. Folding Bicycle Origami™ – Bike folds down to the size of a sandwich. Occasionally reassembles as a unicycle if distracted.
39. Scent of Mystery Perfume – Causes anyone who smells it to become suspicious and start investigating things at random.
40. Adjustable Slow-Motion Bubble – Activate to make everything inside move in dramatic cinematic slow-mo… soundtracks sold separately.
41. Narration-in-a-Can – Open to receive deep, dramatic voiceover commentary on your life for 20 minutes. Excellent for mission briefings.
42. Boomerang Map – Every time it’s folded and put away, it finds its way back to your hand, unfolded. Great for explorers, annoying for minimalists.
43. Sticky-But-Selective Boots – Stick only to surfaces you intend to stick to… allegedly. Early versions banned in three climbing competitions.
44. Acme Echo Amplifier – Echoes talk back with helpful advice, sarcastic commentary, or spoilers. Adjustable sarcasm dial (factory default: 9/10).
45. Unbreakable Mug of Eternal Tea – Mug never breaks, tea never gets cold. Unfortunately, it also never empties.
46. Rocket-Powered Paper Airplane – Guaranteed to reach its destination. Delivery accuracy not guaranteed. Banned from airspace above most principalities.
47. Re-Entry Parachute Cape – Fashionable cloak that auto-parachutes if you fall more than 10 meters. Small print: may misinterpret “dramatic stair descents.”
48. Detour Paint – Paint a fake tunnel or door on a wall; for unknown reasons, reality sometimes agrees.
49. Ultimate Distraction Marble – When dropped, every living being in the room looks at it for exactly 4.3 seconds. No one knows why.
50. Truth-Adjacent Bubble Gum – Chewer must answer questions mostly honestly, with minor embellishments for dramatic effect.
51. Extend-O-Arm Gauntlet – Reach top shelves, distant levers, or the last cookie. Slight delay in retracting if cookie is chocolate chip.
52. Acme Pocket Translator – Instantly translates any language into sarcastic English. “Formal mode” sold separately.
53. Selective Invisibility Cloak – Makes you invisible but leaves your shoes, snacks, and worries visible.
54. Boomerang Camera Drone – Circles, records, returns, and immediately shows you the most embarrassing angle possible.
55. Acme Suspense Rope™ – Always frays dramatically just enough but never breaks completely. Theater departments love it.
56. Hoverboard of Questionable Stability – Floats perfectly; turning is… an adventure. Banned from quiet libraries and glass museums.
57. The Infinite Clip Clipboard – Paper appears as fast as you can take notes. Excellent for detectives, teachers, and people who love bullet points.
58. Acme Instant Crowd Soundtrack – Deploy a tiny speaker swarm that provides cheers, boos, gasps, or slow-claps on demand.
59. Chronologically Confused Calendar – Shows today’s date, plus three possible future dates if you procrastinate.
60. Lava Lamp of Foresight – Gaze into the blobs to see vague hints of future inconveniences (“You will step on a LEGO”).
61. Mystery Vending Machine-in-a-Box – Pop-up machine that dispenses a random helpful object for your current situation. Sometimes misreads the situation.
62. Retroactive Note-Taking Pen – Writes down what was just said, even if you weren’t paying attention. Students worship this thing.
63. Homing Grappling Hook – Automatically finds the most dramatic anchor point in the vicinity (clock tower, chandelier, etc.).
64. Anti-Lost Socks Beacon – Emits a homing signal that attracts all missing socks within 50 meters. Side effect: also attracts feral dust bunnies.
65. ACME Pocket Fog Machine – Creates instant atmospheric fog for stealth, drama, or band practice. Banned at several middle school talent shows.
66. Boomerang Backpack – If left behind, it sprints to catch up with you. Sometimes drags along whatever it’s hooked on, like desks or doorframes.
67. Hyper-Selective Magnet – Attracts only the object you name out loud. Mispronunciation can be… chaotic.
68. Gravity-Optional Yo-Yo – Ignores gravity when bored. Tricks occasionally perform themselves.
69. Acme Infinite Duct Tape Roll – Never runs out, sticks to anything, occasionally repairs emotional damage.
70. Self-Updating Map of Where You Meant to Go – Shows your intended destination, not where you actually are. Motivational, if confusing.
71. Pocket Librarian Sprite™ – Tiny holographic librarian appears to shush you and hand you the exact book you need.
72. Bureaucracy Short-Cut Stamp – One stamp on any form moves it directly to the “approved” or “immediately questioned by five committees” pile. 50/50.
73. Mood-Color Shoes – Change color based on your mood. Agents use them to silently communicate during missions (and silently roast each other).
74. Acme Infinite Snack Dispenser – Produces endless snacks, but only ones you have once described as “pretty good.”
75. Auto-Archiving Backpack – Assigns your items digital tags and files them into pocket dimensions. Finding your calculator requires asking it nicely.
76. Magnetic Breadcrumbs – Drop them on a trail; they float back into your pouch when you want to go home.
77. Reversible Daydream Projector – Projects your active imagination on the wall. Banned from certain classrooms after the Dragon Incident.
78. Boomerang Helmet™ – Always finds its way back to your head during chaos. Popular with field agents and clumsy superheroes.
79. Acme Pocket Whiteboard – Expands to wall size, shrinks to business-card size. Never stains, except emotionally.
80. Multi-Timeline To-Do List – Shows what today’s list would look like if you had started last week. Rude but helpful.
81. Self-Paginating Notebook – Automatically creates a table of contents, index, and snarky footnotes about your own writing.
82. Backwards Clock of Productivity – Time appears to go backwards while you study or work. Actual time continues normally, unfortunately.
83. Instant Costume Change Booth – Step in and emerge dressed for any era, planet, or genre. Banned in some exam halls for “identity confusion.”
84. Villain Monologue Timer – Beeps when the villain has talked long enough for a daring escape to be possible.
85. Probability Scrambler Dice – Roll to slightly tilt luck in your favor… or make everything more interesting.
86. Acme Portable Rail Track™ – Unrolls pre-laid track just ahead of you during train chases. Comes with optional dramatic bridge.
87. Hyperfold Map of Everywhere – One sheet of paper, infinite folds, shows any place you’ve been or dream of going. Directions may include “through montage.”
88. Suspiciously Convenient Banana Peel™ – Never decomposes, never misses its mark, banned in safety-conscious municipalities.
89. Silence Bubble Generator – Creates a quiet zone around you. Great for study, terrible for drummers.
90. Boomerang Notebook – Any notes lent to someone will reappear in your bag at midnight. Borrowers receive polite ghost copy.
91. Dramatic Cloak Swirl Enhancer – Hidden motor that guarantees perfect cloak swish when turning around or exiting rooms.
92. Hyper-Realistic Hologram Projector – Projects decoys, distractions, or “you-from-five-minutes-ago-still-listening-attentively.”
93. Lost-and-Found Compass – Points to the last thing you lost, not north. Perpetually spinning for certain agents.
94. Background Music Earbuds – Sync soundtrack to your life in real-time. Detects “epic moment,” “awkward silence,” and “slow-motion walk” modes.
95. Acme Pocket Filing Cabinet – Four-dimensional filing drawer that fits in your pocket. Labeling system somewhat sentient.
96. Anti-Cliffhanger Bookmark – Glows when you’re about to stop reading on a cliffhanger page and gently flips one more chapter.
97. Rehearsal Mirror Portal – Reflects what you’re going to say if you don’t rehearse. Often horrifying, always educational.
98. Friendly Neighborhood Drone Cam™ – Hovers just out of frame, recording your adventures and labeling moments “Highlight Reel” or “Maybe Delete.”
99. The ACME Field Agent Starter Watch – Tells time, projects mini-maps, records memos, and occasionally gives unsolicited advice.
100. Field Insertion Agent Catapult (Mark IV) – Classic ACME deployment device: launch agents precisely* into any location. *“Precisely” = within a 300-meter “excitement radius.” Banned from several countries, three amusement parks, and one overly serious HOA.

 

Here are the Nine Absolutely-Positively-Never-Ever-Under-Any-Circumstances-For-Any-Reason-Whatsoever* ACME Devices
*(Unless future survivors agree it was objectively hilarious.)

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The Forbidden Nine

1. ACME Temporal Piñata™
   Looks like a normal party piñata.
   When struck, releases fragments of alternate timelines.
   Past incidents include:
   • Two extra Mondays appearing in the same week
   • A brief Age of Platypus Kings
   • An intern becoming their own grandmother
2. Quantum Surprise Box (Model Ω)
   Contains either a muffin, a black hole, or a fully sentient tax auditor.
   You don’t know which until it opens.
   That’s the problem.
3. Self-Aiming Mallet of Irony
   Designed to bonk villains.
   100% successful at bonking.
   0% successful at identifying villains.
   Recommended: RUN.
4. Reverse Thermodynamics Hand Grenade
   Upon detonation, heat flows from cold to hot, ice melts upward, and sandwiches reassemble themselves.
   An entire alpine village was once briefly turned into soup.
5. The Infinite Staircase-in-a-Can
   Deploys a staircase that refuses to stop unfolding.
   Early testers climbed for three days, reached “Level 7: Existential Dread,” then gave up and opened a coffee shop halfway up.
6. ACME Pocket Werewolf
   Looks like a keychain plushie.
   Transforms into a full-sized werewolf during:
   • Full moons
   • Partial moons
   • Crescent moons
   • Days containing the letter “y”
7. Duplicate-Yourself-But-Only-the-Unhelpful-Traits Ray
   Creates perfect clones of:
   • Your procrastination
   • Your stage fright
   • Your inability to fold fitted sheets
     Agents have returned from missions outnumbered 47-to-1 by themselves.
8. Boomerang Catastrophe Disc
   Once thrown, it always comes back… bringing with it a minor catastrophe it collected along the way.
   Previous returns included:
   • A confused rhinoceros
   • A volcanic ash plume
   • Three uninvited in-laws
   • A sociology midterm
9. The Emergency Backup Reality
   Contained in a small red button.
   Pressing it attempts to replace the current reality with the “backup copy.”
   Unfortunately, the last backup was taken in 1973 and labeled “To Be Deleted.”