FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
ACME Gears Issues Statement on the Alleged Airship “Zephyros”
Sofia, Bulgaria – [Insert Date] – ACME Gears, the world’s most questionably innovative exploration and inventions company, today issued an official statement regarding recent rumors about an alleged airborne headquarters known as the “Zephyros” operating somewhere over South America.
“We want to state clearly and unequivocally that the Zephyros Airborne Operations Platform does not exist,” said an ACME spokesperson, speaking from a perfectly ordinary and completely grounded facility. “Because it does not exist, it has not, cannot, and will not be involved in any unusual, semi-unusual, or suspiciously whimsical incidents in the skies over South America.”
Recent reports from travelers, amateur aviators, and highly imaginative field agents have suggested sightings of a colossal dirigible allegedly featuring laboratories, test bays, kitchens, and a suspiciously large psychiatric restabilization wing. ACME Gears firmly denies all such claims.
“Any reports of unexplained shadows blotting out the sun, mysterious baroque brass music drifting from the clouds, showers of rubberized safety pamphlets, or experimental equipment accidentally parachuting into remote jungles are entirely unrelated to any non-existent ACME platform,” the spokesperson continued. “If anyone has witnessed such events, we can only conclude they are the result of atmospheric anomalies, overactive imaginations, or possibly leftover side effects from earlier ACME prototypes.”
ACME Gears wishes to reassure governments, aviation authorities, and concerned citizens that:
- There is no ACME dirigible named Zephyros.
- There is no ACME HQ drifting majestically above South America.
- There have been no tests involving jet-powered coffee machines, worm-powered tractor shoes, vacuum-powered llama harnesses, or other experimental devices conducted from such a platform.
- Any coincidental alignment of cloud formations vaguely resembling a multi-deck flying headquarters is purely a natural meteorological phenomenon and should not be attributed to ACME Gears.
In addition, ACME reiterates its long-standing commitment to almost safe innovation.
“ACME operates according to the highest possible standards that we can reasonably remember at any given time,” the spokesperson added. “We work closely with air traffic authorities to ensure that none of our non-existent floating facilities interfere with commercial routes, bird migration paths, or the occasional stunt kites of local children.”
ACME encourages the public to report any further rumors or alleged sightings of the Zephyros directly to its official Rumor Management Desk, where they will be respectfully documented, thoroughly overanalyzed, and then filed in the “Definitely Not Real” archive.
About ACME Gears
Founded over three centuries ago, ACME Gears is a globe-ranging, curiosity-driven enterprise dedicated to exploring the world and developing inventions that are bold, imaginative, and probably not hazardous when used as directed (and occasionally even when they aren’t). From the classic Instant Hole and Exploding Chicken to the pioneering Nuclear-Powered Pogo Stick, ACME’s creations have consistently pushed the boundaries of plausibility, practicality, and international safety guidelines.
ACME Gears continues its mission to support field agents, explorers, and students worldwide with cutting-edge research, adventurous projects, and the occasional strongly worded safety disclaimer.
For more information, please visit our official website or contact:
Media Inquiries:
ACME Gears Public Relations Department
Email: press@acmegears.example